I’m not sure if photography found me or if I found it. However, what I do know is that without photography I think my life would’ve taken a dark turn. I like being outdoors. Free time spent sat at home is free time wasted in my eyes; this feeling exemplified by the events of the last two years. As Gandalf so poignantly told Bilbo Baggins “the world is not in your books and maps, it’s out there…“
I first picked up a camera in January 2018 when the inspiration of a new year led me to make active the desire I have long harboured to stop wasting my life. I’m not sure what specifically drew to photography as a pursuit, all I knew is that it would (or could) add something to my life that was missing.
If you’re like me, then you know that indescribable feeling of standing in a landscape or place for the first time or during a special moment. The closest I can get to describing this is a potent blend of awe, longing, reverence, heartache and acceptance. What in my life has led me to feeling like this when presented with the majesty of our planet I do not know, which leads me to surmise my perceptions of the landscape are actually projections of my self - or at least the future self I desire to be.
A vast and distant emotional reckoning. An externalised inner conflict.
I am going to speak openly about how I have felt over the last five or so years. Some people reading this may cringe, some may relate. I have felt desperately alone and adrift. Like life is passing me by as the countryside does when viewed from the seat of a moving train. I feel a strong sense of longing to be off the train, but there is no station in sight. Trapped on pre-determined rail tracks, hurtling towards a future I never wanted. It is only lately that I have decided to stop waiting for the station that will never come, pull the emergency brake cord and get off. Break free.
I believe my emotions and personal situation have only ever driven me towards the pursuit of landscape photography. However, they are also the grand sculptor of my ‘style.’ I should really call it my ‘current style’ as I am not overly thrilled about the prospect of making images in this style forever; I would hate for the passion of my life to become restrictive and oppressive. I intend to let it evolve and flow, when it is ready. Or rather, when I am.
People who have viewed my photography have often described its style as calming, which I agree with as a reasonable experience for anyone who is not me. But, as with all art, beauty is only ever in the eye of the beholder. Compositionally, it make sense to call my work calming, with a love of soft, pastel tones, lack of harsh, textured contrast, an often airy feel due to inclusion of calm skies or gradual transitions in areas of varying luminosity.
However, as much as I appreciate the experiences of those who view my my work, it is not my experience as the creator. When I look at my photographs I see a vast emptiness. Where others see calm I see a lack of existence. A longing. An open door I just can’t seem to walk through.
There is a saying that our favourite movies are those that portray something we do not have and crave more than anything. This is especially true when I reflect on my favourite films. If applied to my photography this theory holds true. I do not have the peace and freedom I so desire. I am trapped in a life I didn’t want. So I project my wants and desires into my photography. Producing work that holds the emotional metadata I wish I could possess.
An open and airy scene with low contrast and soft pastel tones is something that makes me feel a longing for a life I don’t have. But, the elephant in the room remains. Why can’t I have the life I want?
The answer is easy. I can.
I have the power to make changes and break free from the crippling anxiety that has reduced me from a confident, outgoing 20 something year old, to a nervous and despairing 30 something year old.
The good news is that over the last few months I have made huge decisions in my life. Positive decisions. I will be leaving my current career of eight years this summer to pursue something new, giving me the gift of time and an incalculable reduction in stress and anxiety. With this time I will improve both my mental and physical health to their very peak, to the point where I am no longer held back from living the life I want to live. To a point where the gnawing sensation of longing is no more and I can truly experience the calm in my images that I have always wanted to experience.
To live in the art I have created.
And when my current situation is nothing but a distant, bad dream my photographic style may start to change. But only then.
My style is expression. My style is a desire.
Freedom requires action. Freedom is life.
Not long now…
P.S. If you were wondering, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and The Lord of the Rings.